Archive for the ‘Sarcasm’ category

How To Break Up With a Friend

August 20, 2010

In the movie Charade, Audrey Hepburn says, “I already know an awful lot of people and until one of them dies, I couldn’t possibly meet anyone else.”  Fortunately, this is no longer true.  I just finished reading an article on breaking up with friends.  The idea is that sometimes you just have to cut someone loose, and oh, how that happens often!

The author seems to be against breaking up with a friend via an email in which you tell the other person exactly and in great, painful detail all the reasons that you no longer wish to be friends with them.  Obviously this was written by a woman with a great deal of time on her hands.  Dropping friends via email is a great plan.  First, you can get all those annoying things they did off your chest, easing your burden greatly.  Second, you don’t have to actually look at the horror on their faces as you list each and every one of your grievances.  Third, you don’t have to worry about their retorts.  You can simply delete their email responses without reading them, or even better, block their email address!  You don’t have to worry about having an awkward moment where neither person is sure if they should just leave or stay for the rest of the baseball game or dessert or the embarrassing outburst of anger and rage from the dumpee.  You also don’t have to worry about the ever-present danger of having hot coffee thrown on you afterward!  Finally – and most importantly – this will ensure that the feeling of not wanting to be friends is mutual, preventing a time of unanswered facebook messages and unreturned calls that, I think we can all agree, is quite uncomfortable.

Instead of the email, the author seems to favor the approach of ignoring the person, which can take weeks to sink in, or just telling them to back off, *$&@^.  If you’re going to do this, I highly recommend telling them your phone is broken, and you’ll call them as soon as it’s fixed.  That way they at least won’t run up your cell phone bill with the texts and voicemail.

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On toilet seats

March 6, 2010

I will never for the life of me understand what it is that women find so hard about lifting the toilet seat after they’ve finished using the bathroom.  The is nothing so infuriating about walking into the bathroom to pee only find yourself making a mess because somebody left the seat down.

Men understand that women don’t like to pee while hovering over the toilet like we do, but we at least expect you to have the decency to put the seat up when you’re done.  It’s not like we men ask for much.  We don’t care if our laundry is neatly folded – or even actually clean – or if there is some sort of side to go with the meat we have for dinner or whether or not the kids have finished their homework.  All we really want is for the toilet seat to be put back up after you’re done – the same way we left it after we finished.

I know all the ladies reading this are probably thinking, “Why should we have to lift the seat?  Why don’t you lift it and put it back down?”  There are a few reasons for this:

  1. Women tend not to be as tall as men.  That means that women are closer to the toilet and do not have to bend as much to put the seat up.
  2. Women sit when they use the toilet.  It is much easier to lift the seat as you stand than it is for us to bend over to lift it.  That makes it just plain common courtesy.
  3. Women are more observant than men.  You know that to be true.  Unless it involves sports, sex or the waitress at lunch, guys are not likely to take note of their surroundings.  When was the last time your guy noticed you got a haircut or your anniversary without you bringing it to his attention?  Women are FAR more likely to notice that the toilet seat is up, and they nearly always do whenever entering a bathroom.  I know this because they always make that observation upon exiting said bathroom.  A guy will likely not even notice the seat is down until it’s too late.  In fact at night, he may not turn the lights on at all and be completely unaware of the fact that the seat was down until it is brought to his attention by a woman in the morning.  (A guy will never notice it in this instance.)

For these reasons, I call on women all over the world to give the guys a break and put the toilet seat back up when you finish.  It’s easy to remember if you just keep this campaign tag line in your mind:

Give your guy a lift!