How To Break Up With a Friend

In the movie Charade, Audrey Hepburn says, “I already know an awful lot of people and until one of them dies, I couldn’t possibly meet anyone else.”  Fortunately, this is no longer true.  I just finished reading an article on breaking up with friends.  The idea is that sometimes you just have to cut someone loose, and oh, how that happens often!

The author seems to be against breaking up with a friend via an email in which you tell the other person exactly and in great, painful detail all the reasons that you no longer wish to be friends with them.  Obviously this was written by a woman with a great deal of time on her hands.  Dropping friends via email is a great plan.  First, you can get all those annoying things they did off your chest, easing your burden greatly.  Second, you don’t have to actually look at the horror on their faces as you list each and every one of your grievances.  Third, you don’t have to worry about their retorts.  You can simply delete their email responses without reading them, or even better, block their email address!  You don’t have to worry about having an awkward moment where neither person is sure if they should just leave or stay for the rest of the baseball game or dessert or the embarrassing outburst of anger and rage from the dumpee.  You also don’t have to worry about the ever-present danger of having hot coffee thrown on you afterward!  Finally – and most importantly – this will ensure that the feeling of not wanting to be friends is mutual, preventing a time of unanswered facebook messages and unreturned calls that, I think we can all agree, is quite uncomfortable.

Instead of the email, the author seems to favor the approach of ignoring the person, which can take weeks to sink in, or just telling them to back off, *$&@^.  If you’re going to do this, I highly recommend telling them your phone is broken, and you’ll call them as soon as it’s fixed.  That way they at least won’t run up your cell phone bill with the texts and voicemail.

Explore posts in the same categories: Sarcasm

2 Comments on “How To Break Up With a Friend”

  1. Jennifer Says:

    Don’t think the category will save you, Andrew.

    • Andrew Says:

      My phone actually broke between talking to you and talking to Max! I just found the situation too humorous in connection with the article to pass up.

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